Regression
Two weeks ago I turned 33. I didn't think much of it. Another year, I'm still here, hooray!! But for some reason, this has been the hardest 2 weeks, emotionally speaking, that I have had in a while. It's been harder and harder to physically get up in the morning. Little things have radically set me off and every day the world has progressively become darker, more empty. I have found myself losing track of the days, hours, minutes with my thoughts being consumed and overtaken, replaced by deep seeded sadness and despair. Now I know it sounds like I'm being melodramatic, but to quote Christopher Walken in "Irreplaceable you," I feel like my life is a slow-moving car crash and then no matter what actions I take or promises I make, it's not going to stop it from happening. Why is this occurring all of a sudden? I don't know. Is it that I'm 33 and still don't know who I truly am? Is it that I'm 33 and still feeling like I'm treading water in all aspects of my life? Or is it the fear that none of the above will ever be answered.
I am afraid of a lot of things; spiders, snakes, zombies to name a few. I am paralyzed by the thought of failure, of letting people in, opening my heart fully, taking chances, changing the status quo. I am petrified of the unknown, of the possibility of not knowing my own name in 10 years. Every time I forget something I mentally hyperventilate and begin to recite useless trivia, a rolodex of past information to prove that I'm not losing it, that my brain isn't eating itself. That I am still me. I won't let my husband love me because I don't want to be a burden. I don't want him or anyone for that matter to have to take care of me, ever. I know that focusing, obsessing, over the what-ifs is demolishing what is, but I can't seem to stop myself from falling repeatedly into that thought cycle. It's hard not to worry, not to live in constant fear, but what good is it really doing me. It's selfish of me to act and feel this way when there are individuals out there with true, honest to God problems and issues that are out of their control to mend. But what I feel, the emptiness, the cavern in my soul, it's real to me.
Even though I am working towards positive change, that deep seeded darkness is still present sometimes, working double time to snuff out the little glimmer of light that I am desperately clinging onto.
For those of you reading this that feel this way or know someone who does it's OK. You are not alone. Talk to someone that you trust. Let them in when you are ready. If you need to spend some time alone, do it. Take some time away from social media, watch that show or movie on Netflix (my latest pick is "Nappily Ever After" with Sanaa Lathan, it helped me pick up my pen today), go to the gym and run on that treadmill until your limbs fall off or tell your story to a bunch of strangers (ahem..). Do whatever you need to do to bring YOU back. And for those of you bearing witness just be there when we are ready to open the bedroom door and take our first steps of the day, we will always need you even when we say we don't. If you do all of these things and your mind brings you to a dark place, tell someone, anyone immediately. I am here to listen. Someone is there who will hear you. You are not alone.
Sincerely,
LPJ
If you are struggling with anxiety, depression, feeling that you may cause yourself physical harm, or you just need someone to listen, below are resources that may be helpful:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - Call 1-800-273-8255
SAMHSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration)